The Smokers / THESMOKERS

Founding of The Smokers

The history of the Smokers is short, but filled with heroic heroism of heroic proportions. Battles so mind-blowingly grand in scale that the greatest battles in history would pale in comparison!

Or so the founders of the organization would have you believe.

In truth, the Smokers are merely a freelance corporation, bent on becoming the most powerful group in the galaxy. We are a family mixed with a frat house, and driven by contempt, alcohol, and good old fashioned Earth tobacco.

‘Officially’ founded just over two years a ago, the organization’s origin can be traced throughout the years and many different places. From the Chamorro wasteland, to far away lands with dragons and shit, the founders have traveled many leagues before finding themselves where they are today. Who are these founders? They are the dread-pirates, Bongwater and Half-Beard! Two of the most repugnant bilge rats this side of the devil’s asscrack. Their villany knows no bounds, and their thirst, limits, and greed have no satisfaction. If there truly were ever a picture of the average sailor within UEE military fleet, it was they who bore its very essence.

The two had originally met aboard a maintenance vessel within the Sol system. On one day on the smoke deck, much like any other, Bongwater was approached by a stranger. The stranger introduced himself in a most eloquent manner.

“Hey loser, I’m Half-Beard. Can I bum a smoke?” the stranger now known to be called Half-Beard said.

Bongwater smiled politely in response before flicking his finished cigarette to the ashtray, followed by promptly delivering a forceful blow directly to the side of Half-Beard’s head. “Bongwater, nice to meet you too.” A smoke was shared, and it was the beginning of what would develop into an inseparable bond, a partnership that would last even as their goals led them into the vast reaches of the stars.

The two were promptly sent to Captain’s Mast, where they both received the standard issue 45/45, half-months pay for two months, and 30% reduction of lubrication for the Navy’s daily fucking. Bongwater for assaulting a crewmate, and Half-Beard for encouraging him. Standard fare for the Navy in those days, really.

As time went on and the two grew closer, a common theme presented itself. Neither cared for the rigidity of their military lifestyle, both had a desire to explore the stars, and they both showed little issue with bending the rules. The space station they eventually found themselves on, a disgusting lump called Maug, held little that was to be found desirable. Due to its small size and backwater location, the people that lived aboard it throughout the year existed in near complete isolation from civilization, resulting in them developing their own strange ‘culture.’ Combined with a horrendous climate control system that would regularly set off fire suppression systems throughout the station, and the two found themselves in the perfect place to give them little to do beyond drinking, smoking, and plotting.

Visions of a grand organization came forth from their scheming. One so all-encompassing, that would one day span to the very corners of the galaxy. They would name their organization the Smokers, inspired by the fact they both chain smoked incessantly. A group of freelancers capable of taking on nearly any task presented to them, be it cargo hauling, mining, selling illegal pornography or the assassination of Sir Gerald Nabardo’s pet prawn, Simon. Once they were finally free of the military’s grasp, the two wasted no time in acquiring the first ships of what would eventually become their grand fleet: an Avenger Stalker affectionately known as Artemis, and an Origin 325A, somewhat affectionately referred to as Becky’s Butthole.

And that catches us up to the present. Half-Beard and Bongwater managed to find a few other fools who share the same dreams, and now here we are. A small but dedicated, skilled, and excitable group. Are you badass enough to be a Smoker? Send us an application to find out.